London FML

Willingly Gluing Shut the Eyes

Jinseihadeaitowakarededekiteru...

Life is made of meetings and partings....

We meet new people every time we leave our house, at least. For me, that all started at thirteen. My father kept me sealed in the house, even losing Jiichan and Baachan over it (His-Japanese side granpa and granma). They died in the Hanshin quake that winter. Roof collapsed.

But that aside, my childhood played out like some psychological horror novel. Even my teen years. My mother didn't let me sleep but two hours a night and often came into my room and beat me even then, breaking the locks/makeshift barricades. She just slept with the CPS worker and no one tried to help ever again. I raised my autistic brother until she gave him away. My sister often saw me being beaten and would scream and cry.

She denies all of that now.She was the favourite and that sad excuse is her hero.

My adulthood was only marginally better until recently.

In 2003-4 I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was saved by six patrol cars while being beaten in the speeding car which was stopped in front of the ditch I would've otherwise died in. Came out here to get a fresh start, ended up with a roommate who raped me, then stalked me after I left. Police did nothing as usual (OPD has too many homicides to worry about).

She pretended not to hear that.

She's not the only one to blame me or pretend I'm crazy just to keep a sunny, ladida world view where nothing bad ever happens.

I had a psychologist try to contact my mother and have me sent back to FL. Fortunately, the woderful shelter worker who came with me got him fired almost immediately and I was saved.

At the time, my PTSD was so bad I could hardly form a coherent sentence--even in Japanese. (I had a wonderful counsellour--the head of the Japanese language part of my current clinic take me personally under her wing. It's thanks to her that this post is coherent^_^)

This is a recurring pattern. I don't wanna feel like I hafta hide myself. When I meet someone else from Kohbe and they ask which school I went to, what else am I gonna say? When I meet someone else who has certain parrallels to me, I feel an urge to let them know they're not alone. When someone else was there for part of it, I expect them to at least acknowledge it.

We'd all like to pretend the world is nothing but love, but that isn't true. By denying that bad things happen to innocent people (like a five year old having a sexually abusive father), by gouging out our eyes, we let it continue. I'm NOT the only one. I'm just loud because I know that plugging ears and gouging eyes is the perfect way to let these things continue.

And what the hell else am I gonna do? Should I just pretend everything was normal and LIE--what my parents did for a living? While I'm at it, why don't I just pretend I'm straight and my name is Sarah Jones?

That gets us to the second part of this. A friend and I were discussing yaoi and yuri manga. 98% of them are a violent attack on the living, breathing LGBT population. Here's why.

Yaoi "The bigger one is the man of the relationship and the smaller one is the girl--we know this because of who tops in bed"

Yuri "Everyone is so cute and we'll draw them giggling like little girls. The tougher one has the job and the other is the housewife, but neither are intelligent or say anything meaningful because they're cute stupid girls and they're PURE girls who kiss once the entire series."

Both "their lives are happy and nothing bad ever happens and everyone in the world is gay and no one ever hurts anyone and everything's just a bucket of sunshine!"

Some of you reading this have written stories that I adore that reject these vulgar and demeaning characterisations and I adore you for it. There is also an offical manga I adore called Houroumusuko (wandering son, eng.), which is a coming-of-age story of two friends who are trans and the crushing world around them...but one out of the multitude of LGBT manga I have read and prob the only REAL one Kinokuniya even sells. And they have a wall of yaoi and yuri. (REAL=tell it like it is, btw)

People around here even deny we have problems to my goddamn face. I believe I told of the straight--she admitted as much to my face--classmate who said no one does anything against gay people anymore TO MY FUCKING FACE!!! Teacher quieted us down, but told me not to apologise. The classmate insisted everyone sees gays as equal because "Lady Gaga is bi."

And that's my no. 1 reason for hating Lady Gaga. We've ever only seen her with men. She's just like Tatu--the duo who pretended they were in a same sex relationship to get horny lonely dudes to buy their album. They're both with men and one is a mother by her man.

(I should mention my parter just gave me a quick shoulder rub because she saw me jabbing the life out of my keyboard).

And how we ended up together--each other's biggest ally and defender in a homophobic, racist shelter that for the longest time refused to treat my partner as an actual human because she's trans. YES, SOME EVEN CALLED HER "IT"!!!!

BUT HEY, NO I'M CRAZY AND DELUSIONAL BECAUSE NONE OF THIS EVER HAPPENS EVERYONE LOVES EVERYONE FUNDIES LOVE GAYS REPUBLICANS LOVE WOMEN AND NON-WHITES AND EVERY PARENT IS THE BEST PARENT EVER WHO LOVES ALL THEIR CHILDREN NO MATTER WHO THE OTHER PARENT WAS OR EVEN IF THEY'RE AUTISTIC AND NO ONE EVER HURTS ANYONE AND WE ALL SING KUMBAYA SO I'M CRAZY AND I NEED TO BE LOCKED UP AND NO ONE SHOULD EVER GO NEAR ME!!!!

The shelter lied like hell to try and make that happen too because I called out the head of it on both his homophobia toward my partner and his racism toward me.

My sister chooses to forget who put food on the table and threw away graduating hs to do so b/c her hero was drinking all the money.

I just realised last week during a math test that I don't know how to work with fractions. Gonna try to see the tchr on Mon., but thinking that my problems in maths go beyond being the "lazy poor useless bum who will never get accepted to any uni" that my last room-mate (rich bitch) insisted I was.

Uni is only to look good on paper to increase my chance of stable employment. I'm going into social work, aiming to work w/the young adult/(LGBT) population. I'd like to be a case mgr at a shelter, but any job at a young adult shelter (where I work directly with the clients, so no books or kitchen) would be the best. My goal is to spend my life being the ally to homeless, kicked out/runaway teens I wished I'd had and to get them on a better path than sitting in an empty church parking lot at 4 am alone breaking down or being driven to a ditch---get them right before they know what I did, or be the one who DOES know exactly what they've been through and let them know they're not alone.

But you don't have to have a career in social work to open your eyes and unplug your ears.

Open your eyes and unplug your ears...

That's all you have to do.
London FML

Ughhh....

So classes started Mon. and I got sick Tues. Fin. aid hasn't come in so I can't buy my books. In Spanish class, this means I'm not allowed to talk and will not be able to ask questions or be called on in class. Apparently if you need financial aid to buy books you don't have anything to say worth listening to or deserve an education, according to my teacher. Was gonna write a nasty note in Spanish and submit w/hw, but my new roomie, who has been a good friend of my partner's for years and I will refer to by his anitails, BLS, suggested I write an anominous note in Eng and submit it to the head of her dept. Work In Progress.

My Polysci teacher is this awesome old white guy who pushes you to think outside your comfort zone and analyse everything you hear. He's very pro-equality and no matter that this is a night class, I'm totally gonna love it. My med alarm went off in class and once I explained what it was-I.e., that my phone wasn't ringing for a call, he was super nice about it.

Just opened up an e-mail from "kawaii imouto-chan" (cute little sister). "Hey". Like that was it. One word. Whatever.

I'm sick. When I'm sick I try not to push my self and let my body devote all possible energy to healing. I wanna run, I wanna run, waaaaaaah!

And when I do go back to running, BLS will run with me. He did on Mon., and said he'd like to keep doin' it. (He didn't last the entire way, but he hadn't been running in 7 yrs, I think he said).

And tomorrow is my b-day and I'm broke, sick and have class...

...at least I have good people around this time to spend it with. Like it took 27 yrs to finally end up living with only cool ppl and no douchebags. But everyone's cool here. That makes up for it +
London FML

Beraberabera Blahblahblah

So for the first time in eight years, I played basketball.

Okay, so it wasn't really basketball with only two people, but the local friend I usually do active stuff with, who I'll from here on refer to by initials, TG, humoured me, so we played horse with me running after the ball and running back dribbling it.

Then she taught me foursquare.

Then some old dude in a hoodie insisted he could teach me better.

Then this toddler got the ball and the two of us tossed it back and forth and then took it back to the hoop, wanting to see me shoot it. I missed the hoop, but he got so excited! A young athlete in the making!

As for my daily run, damn these inclines are killing me! I've got to the point it doesn't make me puke anymore, but I still have to walk the last three blocks home on the return leg.

One bad thing was I open up the "feedback" on my dA-on da, unlike here where it was taken, I use my regular username.

So anyway, I open up my feedback and I see my sister with messages like "It's ur SIS, email me (address)" and the only thing of mine she actually looked at-one Digimon art says "Good job SIS".

All caps, as in, "I'm your SIS, remember, so give me money".

I think I went over our history in another post.

I'm ignoring it for now.

Never showered after playing, so Imma smoke and hit the shower.
London FML

Tom, the Sutego

I'm not even sure if he's a he, but I've named him "Tom" unofficially because he looks like the cat from Tom & Jerry.

Tom is a stray cat that keeps coming to the patio and trying to be let in.

The people that lived here before "forgot him", as the manager of the complex puts it.

I would love to take Tom in, but we currently don't have enough for a pet deposit or to get him checked.

I feel like a heel. After all, I know what it means to be a sutego (thrown-away-child), and we all know by now that I have what Akari of Digimon Cross Wars calls hottokenai-byou (can't-leave-alone-illness).

Sorry for all the Japanese; I don't know how to say these things in English.

Still, he keeps staring up at me and pawing the patio door.

I got my SSI today and we're going to grocery shopping.

Maybe I'll pick him up a can of tuna <3
London FML

(no subject)

So on a random whim of severe boredom, I unpacked all but one box of my things icluding moving furniture I'm using by myself and collapsed all the empty boxes in one hour.

Now I am fully unpacked save that one box. It's clothing and one of Richelle Rich's cats puked in it, so I need to wash it when I have more money this wknd.

I'm half procrastination and half hot blood. In a rare wind, the hot blood won out today
London FML

I'm Back Like Backstreet!

So the new apt is still full of boxes lol.

I went to Lucky last night for cigarettes and the cheapest bread I could find and saw mostly new faces for the baggers (what I did there for a year and ten months), but a few who were there before me were still there. Whenever I came across someone I knew, I'd say "hey" or something to get their attention, then do the Dora stare until it clicked in who I was. After the initial few seconds to make the connection, I ended up holding up everyone for a few mins apiece. They were all excited to see me. Once you work together for five days a week for almost two years and then you move to another city and disappear for three...

Had the local friend I usually hang out with over here yesterday. It took all our money to move and then the movers tried to rip us off (it may have been an honest mistake; one spoke only Mandarin and the other spoke too little anything I know for me to really communicate that much to him and the company that contracted out to them, everyone we spoke to there seemed to be English only) so we've been living off pocket change. When I was texting her directions, I told her we might not have enough to eat. A fairweather friend offers to not visit and be a financial burden. A true friend comes anyway and orders pizza.

As for my run, I forgot to take into an account how not flat Oakland is. It's nothin compared to SF, but Berkeley is super flat except for one part, and I'd been running along San Pablo, which is generally flat and completely throughout Bkly.

On my new course there are three uphills. Small inclines, but even a small one... So I run down Int'l and around the lake to 14th St and back. This is still 2 miles, but with the sudden addition of uphills, I couldn't keep the extra .6. I tried on Mon. and didn't make it. Not yet.

Lake Merritt is always at any time of day and in the evening, too--as long as there's light outside, runners circle its continuous path...and they're all faster than me...I am so slow...

All in all, though, I am just so fuckin happy to be back in Oakland. Berkeley is pretentious, full of hipsters, rich students sent by kyouiku mamas, homeowners who are children of homeowners, charity-for-show churchwomen, people who think weed is harmless,etc. It's a pretentious town full of people who characterise the Real World as where only junkies and criminals live. Most ppl there think the entirety of OAK is like Inner West Oakland. It isn't. This is mostly an immigrant neighbourhood full of people who are honest and hard working; who don't shove anything down your throat, but would love you to shop in their store. Practical and economical people who could care less if you smoke whether they do or not. The exact antithesis of ppl like my room-mate who bought brand name diamond stickers from some Polish sounding jeweller to adhere to one of her fifty pairs of sneakers. People who'd WTF at it like I did. In short, people that I can easily understand, even if I don't speak Cantonese.

It's good to be back.
London FML

(no subject)

So I'm movin' today. The movers will be here at 2.30 (we couldn't get either of my partner's friends with cars. None of my local friends have cars. They all broke like me lol).

After dissemble the computers, we won't have IT till Mon evening. We hafta go out to Livermore to pick up the self install kit, but I use to live there, so I know the way. And I'll show my partner the little ranch town I used to work for room & board in. (No, I did not work on a ranch. Woulda been cool, though.)

Yep, finally leaving this hipster town and the privileged bitch of a room-mate behind. She was showing the room yesterday to this blonde chick who talked like all those popular girls I wouldn't even bother with in HS. My thoughts: Perfect match! Watch her constant nagging and nose-raising drive away the next person. She just proves that privilege isn't only a white thing, like all the hipsters around here say it is. God, this town is so fucking pretentious.

I'll miss the cats and my running route on San Pablo, but I'll run International and eventually Lake Meritt again once I'm up to it. For now, I'll take Int'l to 1st ave, then go round the lake to the point L.M. Blvd crosses with Jackson and turn around. This is as much a personal memo for tomorrow as me sharing. I can view internet on my mobile, but posting, etc is too difficult. Anyway. This is the same dist from here to S.P.&Univ. Google dir. won't let me get an exact #, but it's about 2.5 mi around the lake. Counting once up and down Int'l, if I decide to make the running a 10k idea I've been toying with like a broken slinky into a real thing,I'd need to run the lake twice-and not at my normal speed (13 min mile), but like my running-to-catch-someone speed (a block in less than a min), which I can only do for about a block.

So in the new place, it'll be me and my partner for a couple weeks and then her friend (who we couldn't've pulled off moving in the brokest month without) will join us. Corinn says we'll get along just fine. I also want him to teach me to fish. My (paternal) Grampa always said it was a man's thing, but fuck that. I'm the woman who keeps up with the men.

I am just happy all over. I'll also be closer to my temple and can go see Sensei and all them more often.

I'll prob go back to Laney...which has a gym...hell, yeah!

So I won't see all y'all on here till Mon evening. After we come back from Livermore, I have a dr.s appt about my blood pressure.

Hugs to y'all and wish me luck!

Peace!
London FML

Rollercoaster, this month! Rollercoaster, whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

(Title is a KC & The Sunshine Band reference, btw)

No, but it rly has been.

So on the night of the first, our roommate tells us we either pay 1300$/mo to continue renting this room or leave. (Yes, it's expensive out here, but you can still get studios/1brs for way less). She explicitly states that this came from the couple downstairs who own the house. Mind you, a increase of rent more than 10% legally requires a sixty-day notice. We consulted East Bay Community Law Centre, who agreed that a 62.5% increase by next month or leave is completely illegal.

So we start looking along w/a friend of my partner's who's in DC w/his fam but has been tryin to get back out here for, like, ever.

Now his credit's good. But my partner has an eviction b/c she didn't have anyone to stay with when she lost her job in the market crash. I was fortunate that I did as long as I could provide my then-friend a phone line, food and an ally against her two-faced second husband. (Last I heard she divorced him, moved to Seattle and got a job in a hotel.)

So we've been constantly getting turned down for bad credit and other things. So my partner's friend would blow up at my partner who would in turn blow up at me. This resulted in me not sleeping, having panic attacks and finally lecturing the two of them like their mother.

All the while, my room-mate who was born into a loving and well-off family and has never had serious money troubles, been out of work until now. Who went to college with her parents' support and right out of high school, has loving wealthy siblings and had two loving parents with good jobs (her mother is now dead, but her loving father's here a lot. And they've owned a house for ages), has no idea that GASP! it's not super-easy for everyone ever to have everyone begging to do business with them, and not everyone will be accepted for every anything they apply to, because some people grew up WITHOUT gobs and gobs of money. Some people grew up WITHOUT a shiny, perfect la-la-land family to rely on! Who woulda thunk it??!! She is one of those people who sees me as a representation of that disease called "living in the poor world" and hates me for it. You know what I call the "poor world"? The REAL world. Can't get more real.

(I also hate how she thinks she's smarter than anyone ever. She eats everything,the worst things, all the time, hates exercise, would never do it, then tells me what I should do to get fit, then tells me she hates running. Just looking at her, it was so hard all those times to not just smile, my hand still on the door as I come back from my run in full workout gear, and say "Oh, I know". Now, I'm also overweight, but I'm doing something about it. I gained a ton of weight when my fibromyalgia and sciatic nerve problems simultaneously started and I didn't adjust my diet. I'm only now losing the weight. There's nothing wrong with sharing tips when you start out overweight and START doing something about it. But if you are round, do nothing about it, spend your entire day on your ass, and devour gobs of fried chicken and bacon while talking about hating exercise and how you would never do it, you don't have any credit to give out fitness advice.) She also loves to tell me how I'll never get into any university and I might as well just give up on having a career now because I'm too stupid, but I also don't deserve Disability because I can walk, never mind I take four medicines daily to live and I will be taking more soon because I have high blood pressure to add to my other five disorders including fibromyalgia and bipolar and I'm lucky that I'm not a vegetable b/c I was basically born drunk. But you know, it's all my fault b/c I'm stupid and I should work digging ditches and be punished for being made by fucked up addicts, rt?

Anyway, about my partner and her friend. Of course, my partner has been constantly apologising profusely and plans to take me out for a day of activities of my choice and dinner of my choice once she has money. Fair, I think.

So, two days ago (whatever ototui/ototoi in hyoujun is in English) I went to go see a place in the same neighbourhood I lived in with the then-friend mentioned above, just east of Laney College, 1 block from International Blvd. Good neighbourhood, residential, mostly Asian and Latino.

So the landlord has been trying to get this place rented out all last week. No one was interested until that day. She shows it to me and a skinny, short white guy in surfer clothes. So at first I said three people and Surfer Boy says just him and his wife. So I keep talking over him about how I want the place immediately and will pay first last and deposit tomorrow. Surfer Boy finally decides he needs a day to think, and Loud Me says I'll take it.

So we go back to her place and I do some paperwork. I also impress her by knowing what some of her things in Chinese hanging up mean more or less (Characters that mean the same in Japanese), and she tells me finally where I seen her before- at the place my partner and I spent 700$ on new glasses last year. (Mine take a week to order and are really expensive Rx). I set an appt. to come back w/the $$ the next day when she comes home from work and leave.

The next day, I show up four minutes late b/c my partner is insistent on not standing around for even 10 min. She almolst thinks we changed our minds, but informs us she ignored all calls about the place t5hat day, we go upstairs, I give her the money orders, we sign the lease and get the keys, and she tells me how excited she is to have me as her neighbour. With the part about my partner's friend, they made a deal since we had to move at a time where our only income is my Disability. We needed him to wire me the $$ for move-in cost, and I & my partner will pay rent from Sep. on until he finds a job. Whenever he comes, he comes and a place will be ready for him.

So a friend of mine offered to trade some work for some advice on Sat. and my partner's trying to get a friend w/a valid driver's licence to rent a Zipvan or something. By Monday we will be moved in and my new A.M. running route will be down International.

So I see the husband of the couple downstairs loading the car for yet another awesome weekend camping adventure. I have never been camping, and for my partner to do it now, difficulties of being trans make it a no-go, so I soak up their stories for now.

So he asks me what I'll be doing this weekend. I tell him.

He had no fucking clue about the rent hike or that we were moving. Just caught my current room-mate red-handed.

And I am back up to running 2 mi.
French Fighters

(no subject)

Just went running for the first time in two weeks.

Running with the sun on my back (sort of, it's cloudy), the wind at my heels and Ruki Vverh's "Bez Tomorov" album blasting in my ears.

It'll take me a week or two to work back to where I was before.

But it's good to be back.
I can haz mat

(no subject)

So, Sundays are always my rest days. They were Saturdays b/c I had morning math class, but I made it to Sunday so if I get up on time, I'll have time to go to temple.

As you all know, I've been sick as a dog and not running, though @ichibanseiken gave me idea to do yoga and core work out, which I have been doing approx 15 min of on days I felt up to it.

But finally, half a month later, I feel like I can run again and will recommence tomorrow. I haven't ran in approx two weeks, so tomorrow will be only to Dwight, or 1.4 mi., but hopefully by the next week, I should be back to 4.1k.

My partner caught this a week later than me and is still achy, tired and coughing.

I haven't seen any of my friends in two weeks, because I didn't want to give this to them, but it's almost gone, so I told the friend I went hiking with that though I wouldn't see her yesterday, we should absloutey do something next weekend. Prob not hang out here, though--my partner has another week and a half or so.

Oh, and speaking of home, we're moving. Our room-mate said that our living here for the original agreed rent of 800/mo is costing the people who own the house, so either pay 1350/mo or leave by 1 Aug. Now this is technically illegal, but we probably are a drain and also, fighting would make things very awkward.

So, we're looking for new place; the two of us along with my partner's friend who lived here before, but is currently in DC with his family.

The problem is, my partner is one of many, many people, who upon losing her job in the Market Crash, got evicted. This is what happens when you don't have a degree and you work a job where you're another disposable warm body. You are disposed of, even when the circumstance is beyond your control or fault. So this is on her record. Out of fear, renters all want people with good credit, and things are tighter since the crash.

Money isn't the problem. I don't have an eviction because when I lost my job in the Crash, I went and moved in with a friend who wanted someone else in the house to talk to, help pay for things like food and be on her side against her husband. (She later divorced him and last I heard, she was working at a hotel in WA). The thing was just that whereas I had someone who wanted a room-mate for the price of supplying phone/internet/a computer/food, my partner had nowhere to go (this was before we met)

I'm sure that there are hundreds of other people in this situation, considering how much of the national population lost their jobs in 08. But renters all want people with clear records; even shady East Oakland renters. So aside from sneaking her in the back door, which could break our lease, or getting another room for another few months if we're lucky enough to find someone ok with not only a couple but a homosexual one comprised of me and my trans partner (people are often so horrid to her that it takes all I've got to not lunge, tackle and punch them), we're at a real standstill. We've been searching; she and her friend on the computer, her friend and me on the phone and me going to see places.

But always so far, they either want everyone's credit hx, or they neglect to tell me that someone else got the place until after I've gone clear across town/to Oakland to meet at the scheduled time and they're not there but finally answer their goddamn phone.

We were given notice spot on the first. Sick as we've both been, we've been searching and calling daily.

16 days and counting.